Looking for the best Mother’s Day Gift ever? How about No More Airport Rides?!

Recently I was speaking with someone whose friend’s entire weekend was ruined by her daughter flying in to meet her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see her daughter—it was the sheer anxiety brought on by the though of having to pick her up at the airport.

Sound familiar? Well, this got me thinking.

We add so much stress to our lives by the choices we make. We often create unnecessary drama that could we could easily eradicate by simply hiring someone to help us. Cleaning the house. Mowing the lawn. Breastfeeding.

Airport rides are a prime example.

Why not hire an expert? Cab drivers are in and out of the airport every day. They know exactly what ramps or lanes have changed, where they can legally wait by the curb, what the Rainbow Colored Threat Levels mean, etc. They aren’t going to end up in Long Term Parking in Terminal QQQ with a dying cell phone battery and a picture of a lost child, when your flight is scheduled to arrive in Terminal A.

They are right outside the door. Happy to help you with your luggage, talk to you about the weather, and not ask how come you showed up for your sister’s wedding without your boyfriend. Big yellow cars. Easy to find. Easy to utilize.

Want to give your mom the best Mother’s Day present ever? Simply say, “Mom, thanks for all your love, support, and airport rides you’ve given me over the years. But from now on, I’m going to take a cab.” *

The $50 for the cab fare will pay for itself tenfold. Guaranteed your weekend reunion will be far more joyous.

And chances are, if your mom is anything like mine, she’ll toss $50 in your pocket out of guilt.

Happy Mother’s Day!

-jm

(*Does not apply to the author of this blog post.)

How to deal with someone kicking your seat on your flight (Uncensored version)

Today I noticed that someone actually did a Google search for “please hug me i’ve been delayed solution for someone kicking your seat.”  I have to say, I’m honored. In fact, humbled.

Apparently, my ranting on NPR about the Chronic Seat Kickers (CSKs) on board our flights has been hitting home. And while this  is a terrible problem we must all face, I’m happy to find there are others out there  as unlucky as I am to always find themselves sitting in front someone who thinks they are the only human on the plane.

Now, as I mentioned in Please Hug Me–I’ve Been Delayed, you have to remember that Chronic Seat Kickers need to be broken down by age before you can determine how to react to their barbaric behavior. For instance, if you go ahead and sing my nursery rhyme about “The leg bone is connected to the knee bone, the knee bone is connected to your tray table, your tray table is connected to my seat back…” to a CSK over the age of 10, you’re gonna get some strange looks.

But now that I’m thinking about it (and people are searching for it), maybe we need to further segment the CSK demographic so we can deal with this evil more effectively. (For the purpose of this exercise, we’ll go ahead and refer to adult CSKs only, who don’t have prosthetic limbs.)

Chronic Seat Kickers  by Demographic

Chinese - My guess is if the person kicking your seat behind you is Chinese, you deserve it. Chinese people are born to sit still for hours at a time. How else could they dominate the World Domino Competition year after year? Think hard. Did you insult their height by getting on the plane and secretly smiling when they had to ask for your help in reaching the overhead bin?

Irish – Can’t fault these guys. Michael Flatley’s Lord of The Dance 3D was only in theaters for a week last month, but what a week it was. Perhaps offer to help critique their Irish step dance in the aisle once the Fasten Seat Belt Signs have been turned off.

Korean – Have you ever watched The Olympic Games? This country takes marking SERIOUSLY. If you think Koreans can sit still for a 5-hour flight, guess again.

Michael Phelps – Speaking of the Olympics, if you’re sitting in front of Phelps, you just have to understand that this man is a MACHINE.  Even out of water he practices his backstroke 24 hours a day. (If you’re wondering why the greatest Olympic athlete of all time is sitting in coach, he likely just blew all his earning on the ganja.  Don’t worry MP – 2012 is only one year away. You’ll earn it all back.)

Jesus - If you’re sitting in front of the Lord Our Savior and your seat starts rocking with a little more Holy Spirit than you can handle, you’re going to have to search deep into your soul before turning around and asking Him to keep His sandals to Himself. My advice? Just a quick shout out, “Hey–who ya gotta know around here to get some peanuts?” will undoubtedly get some hearty “Amen Brother’s” from your fellow passengers. Undoubtedly, your holy companion will mistake them for Himself, and settle back in His seat contently, knowing the human race still appreciates His work.

Isaiah Washington (formerly on Grey’s Anatomy) - Can’t fault him. He’s just trying to kick himself, as he has been since 2007 for being so stupid as to get fired from one of the top TV dramas of all time by making a homophobic slur about costar Patrick Dempsey. Duh. Never make slurs on network television. Save it for your blog.

Which leads us to…

The Cast of Glee – Let’s face it. While I can’t for the life of me fathom why any straight person above the age of 13 would watch this show, musical theater is on the rise. You can’t stop the beat.

So who does that leave? Middle-aged white folks who live in the suburbs. Thinking they own the plane just because they have the IT skills necessary to book a flight online. If you find yourself a victim to this particular CSK demographic, go ahead and make a major scene. In fact, it is your patriotic duty to bring their inexcusable behavior to the attention of the rest of the aircraft.*

Anyone else, you’re on your own.

And thank you to whomever (or is it whoever? ah, who cares? blogs are so much easier than books) searched for this topic online. You made my day. I hope my solutions make yours.

-jm

*Again, keep the sudden movements to a minimum. Air marshals are likely two rows back just DYING for the chance to whip out their gun, after the Normal Movement of Aircraft has knocked out their Direct TV signal every day of their lives.

Quest for NY Times Bestseller and dreaming big… it’s on!

Good morning kids. This is Captain Jeff, coming to you live from the flight deck. We’d like to thank you for flying Hug Me Airlines, the only airline in the world where the beer is free, crying babies have their own daycare down below, and the passenger always comes first.

Hmmm… huge dream. Let’s start a little smaller.

Good morning. This is Jeff coming to you live from his kitchen table. Today, I am publicly announcing my quest for Please Hug Me–I’ve Been Delayed to reach the NY Times Best Seller list. Why? So I can brag about the awesome best-selling author parties I’ll be attending to ex-girlfriends? So I can become chums with Grisham and Patterson? Or so I can look like a fool when I don’t make it?

Well, A and B maybe, C hopefully not.

Want the real reason? Because while you and I–my faithful readers, know that Please Hug Me–I’ve Been Delayed is the greatest book on air travel ever written, and it has already helped thousands of stranded passenger navigate the hells of airport boredom and survive the misery of modern air travel since its publication, it has not reached its full potential.

And we only have to look towards Kirk Cameron to see what happens when something doesn’t reach its full potential. Once a budding young actor destined to be the next Hoffman or De Niro, now a spokesperson for Christian marriage and the “star” of the 2008 indie film Fireproof. (Never heard of it? Shocking.) While Please Hug Me is a 220-page soft cover book, and not a former Growing Pains actor gone awry, I think the comparisons are obvious.

Hug Me has some big shoes to fill, and millions more lives to change. As if that weren’t reason enough, there is something far bigger at stake here. You see, I am currently working on the next book in the Hug Me series (a top-secret subject of utmost importance), and I can’t wait to share it with you. BUT, my publisher has recommended we sell a lot more copies of Delayed before we launch the next book… and rightfully so. I don’t wish to end up on the Christian marriage tour anytime soon.

So, here today, I am publicly declaring my quest to reach the NY Times Best Seller list by the end of this year. Why am I doing this publicly? Am I nuts? Do I know how hard that is? And more importantly, why should you care?

Read on.

I am a big believer of dreaming BIG. And I know many of you who read this blog are equally big dreamers, in whatever endeavor your talents have brought you to currently pursue. While I’ve done many things in my life I’m proud of, I’ve always shied away from the bigger arenas. Maybe because I wasn’t ready, or maybe the world wasn’t ready, or maybe there wasn’t a fast-enough Internet connection available in my area to keep up with me. Really, who knows? But now, with the end of the world fast approaching in 2012*, I say we all need to be ready to step up to the plate, and start taking a swing at our biggest dreams.

On my part, this means taking some massive risks and boldly stating absurd goals that are nearly impossible to achieve, but will be achieved, because I’ve got a lot of people to help and I plan on doing it, no matter what the cost.

What does it mean on your end?

Have you been thinking about starting a business, but waiting for the perfect time? Toying with the idea of writing a book, but no idea where to begin? (In which case you’re going to want to follow this multi-part series like a hawk.) Thinking about joining a cult? Starting a new religion? Making the honor role? Losing 10 pounds? Losing 11 pounds?

Everyone’s got something they’ve been putting off for the perfect moment, and truth is, there never is a perfect moment to begin. There’s always something that’s going to be an obstacle, or some outside force than you believe is stopping you from achieving your dream. Want more truth? There is nothing stopping you but yourself. You are the only one who controls your fate.

So, I’m taking a huge risk here and stating my little air travel guide that I spent over two years writing and working to make  it the best product I possibly could to help my fellow air travelers is going to be a NY Times Best Seller.  And I’m going to keep you posted every step of the way on what I’m doing to achieve this massive goal, in the hopes that you’ll follow along and be inspired to take action on your big dreams. Maybe something I do will spark an idea that might help you, or maybe you know something that could help me. We’ll be a team.

You can start now by signing up on my email list so I can keep you updated on our progress, then by taking out a piece of paper and a pen and writing down your big dream, and how you’re going to achieve it. Because I know you can.

-jm

Author of the future NY Times Best Seller, Please Hug Me–I’ve Been Delayed

*The world’s not really ending. We’re just entering a new cycle of enlightenment. Sorry if I scared you there.