How to deal with someone kicking your seat on your flight (Uncensored version)

Today I noticed that someone actually did a Google search for “please hug me i’ve been delayed solution for someone kicking your seat.”  I have to say, I’m honored. In fact, humbled.

Apparently, my ranting on NPR about the Chronic Seat Kickers (CSKs) on board our flights has been hitting home. And while this  is a terrible problem we must all face, I’m happy to find there are others out there  as unlucky as I am to always find themselves sitting in front someone who thinks they are the only human on the plane.

Now, as I mentioned in Please Hug Me–I’ve Been Delayed, you have to remember that Chronic Seat Kickers need to be broken down by age before you can determine how to react to their barbaric behavior. For instance, if you go ahead and sing my nursery rhyme about “The leg bone is connected to the knee bone, the knee bone is connected to your tray table, your tray table is connected to my seat back…” to a CSK over the age of 10, you’re gonna get some strange looks.

But now that I’m thinking about it (and people are searching for it), maybe we need to further segment the CSK demographic so we can deal with this evil more effectively. (For the purpose of this exercise, we’ll go ahead and refer to adult CSKs only, who don’t have prosthetic limbs.)

Chronic Seat Kickers  by Demographic

Chinese - My guess is if the person kicking your seat behind you is Chinese, you deserve it. Chinese people are born to sit still for hours at a time. How else could they dominate the World Domino Competition year after year? Think hard. Did you insult their height by getting on the plane and secretly smiling when they had to ask for your help in reaching the overhead bin?

Irish – Can’t fault these guys. Michael Flatley’s Lord of The Dance 3D was only in theaters for a week last month, but what a week it was. Perhaps offer to help critique their Irish step dance in the aisle once the Fasten Seat Belt Signs have been turned off.

Korean – Have you ever watched The Olympic Games? This country takes marking SERIOUSLY. If you think Koreans can sit still for a 5-hour flight, guess again.

Michael Phelps – Speaking of the Olympics, if you’re sitting in front of Phelps, you just have to understand that this man is a MACHINE.  Even out of water he practices his backstroke 24 hours a day. (If you’re wondering why the greatest Olympic athlete of all time is sitting in coach, he likely just blew all his earning on the ganja.  Don’t worry MP – 2012 is only one year away. You’ll earn it all back.)

Jesus - If you’re sitting in front of the Lord Our Savior and your seat starts rocking with a little more Holy Spirit than you can handle, you’re going to have to search deep into your soul before turning around and asking Him to keep His sandals to Himself. My advice? Just a quick shout out, “Hey–who ya gotta know around here to get some peanuts?” will undoubtedly get some hearty “Amen Brother’s” from your fellow passengers. Undoubtedly, your holy companion will mistake them for Himself, and settle back in His seat contently, knowing the human race still appreciates His work.

Isaiah Washington (formerly on Grey’s Anatomy) - Can’t fault him. He’s just trying to kick himself, as he has been since 2007 for being so stupid as to get fired from one of the top TV dramas of all time by making a homophobic slur about costar Patrick Dempsey. Duh. Never make slurs on network television. Save it for your blog.

Which leads us to…

The Cast of Glee – Let’s face it. While I can’t for the life of me fathom why any straight person above the age of 13 would watch this show, musical theater is on the rise. You can’t stop the beat.

So who does that leave? Middle-aged white folks who live in the suburbs. Thinking they own the plane just because they have the IT skills necessary to book a flight online. If you find yourself a victim to this particular CSK demographic, go ahead and make a major scene. In fact, it is your patriotic duty to bring their inexcusable behavior to the attention of the rest of the aircraft.*

Anyone else, you’re on your own.

And thank you to whomever (or is it whoever? ah, who cares? blogs are so much easier than books) searched for this topic online. You made my day. I hope my solutions make yours.

-jm

*Again, keep the sudden movements to a minimum. Air marshals are likely two rows back just DYING for the chance to whip out their gun, after the Normal Movement of Aircraft has knocked out their Direct TV signal every day of their lives.

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